Transformers: Dark of the Moon

This is one hundred and forty eight minutes of rubbish! If it had been played at normal speed it would have been about an hour long. There are so many things wrong with this film, the over use of slow motion action sequences accompanied by the same annoying dramatic music sequence, Shia LaBeouf, the constant crappy monologues from Optimus Prime all the way through the film. At the heart there was a reasonable story that tied in with real world events but even that couldn't come close to saving it. At no point did I feel any connection with any of the characters, ultimately this was yet another painful and boring film from Michael Bay, oh and good news looks like there is another one to come in 2014!!! 

The Artist

Well! Let me first say that I watched this on an aeroplane whilst the guy in front of me was watching District 9, and quite frankly District 9 was more entertaining on a six inch screen at a distance whilst being partially obscured by his shoulders and with no sound than this was, by a long long way. The Artist, more like the piss-artist how this got 5 Oscars I'll never know, is boring, dull, rubbish and did I say boring! Nobody makes silent films any more because they don't have to, and black and white was for a time when colour was not an option. Probably the cleverest part was when the star was having a nightmare with sound, other than those thirty seconds this was a complete waste of my time, and I was trapped on an aeroplane with no where else to go!  Complete and utter Oscar twaddle!

Piranha 3DD

Sequels are never as good as the first film... and there is no way anyone should have expected this to be any different.  The first film was probably the most worthy film to use 3D to date, this however was poor at best even in 2D.  It didn't have any of the thrill or sex appeal of the first film.  For the most part it was pretty stupid and laughable.  Now, I know it's supposed to be stupid but this was just too far.  The Hoff however was probably the best thing about this film which just about says it all!

Film 322/365, Day 340/365 – The Blackout

I wish there had been a blackout and then maybe my internet would have gone down and I wouldn’t have been able to finish watching this awful film!  The story had potential but within the first ten minutes through an incredible mix of terrible acting and bad story delivery I just wanted them all to die!

Synopsis:  On Christmas Eve in Los Angeles there are a number of unexplained power outages and earth tremors.  Soon one tower block is plunged into darkness and then something starts to attack the residents.  They will need to band together to stand and chance of getting out.

Film 304/365, Day 329/365 – Breaking Dawn Part 1

It’s not for guys... much like a Yorkie is not for girls, well this series is the anti-Yorkie.  I didn’t exactly hate it but couldn’t find anything that made me like it.  One of the worst moments was the Disney-esque scene with the wolves.  I’ve been told that Michael Sheen’s character will make a reappearance in the next part which is long overdue in my opinion.

Synopsis:  Bella and Edward have got married and are going to an isolated island near Brazil for their honeymoon.  Things there are complicated and get much worse when it appears that Bella is pregnant!  They hurry back to Forks but the wolves are not happy about the latest development.

Film 299/365, Day 326/365 – New Moon

Yet more pale melodramatic teenagers however this time there are some redeeming features. The introduction of the wolves, Indian werewolves I can cope with although I am still struggling with sparkly vampires.  That said Michael Sheen’s character was excellent but I still cannot stand Bella, worst character ever!

Synopsis:  After an incident involving Jasper and Bella, Edward decides it’s safer for Bella if his family moved away.  So they do, leaving Bella empty until she rekindles her friendship with Jacob, however Jacob has his own secrets.

Film 297/365, Day 324/365 – Twilight

If you enjoy pale teenage kids who exhale far too much, then you will love this!!!  If however like me you like your vampires to be evil, devious and wicked and not sparkly then probably not!!!  The defining moment is when Bella’s goes on Google to find a book about Indian legends, then goes and buys the book, gets home and then Googles it anyway...

Synopsis:  Bella has moved to Forks to live with her dad.  There she meets Edward, a strange boy who seems like her one minute and not the next.  But Edward has a dark secret that will turn Bella’s world upside down.

Film 257/365, Day 281/365 – Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever

A pointless story with one or two decent action sequences.  The only point worth watching in this film is when Lucy Liu is being followed and then in turns kicks a lot of ass.  The rest of the film is a complete and utter waste of time.  The story is appalling, the acting not much better and it failed to hold my full attention for 92 minutes which isn’t too much to ask for is it?

Synopsis:  Eck, a grieving FBI agent, is brought back into service to bring down a rogue DIA agent.  But not all is as it seems.

Film 162/365, Day 168/365 – Stiletto

Yawn!  Stiletto was boring and completely pointless.  It tried to follow too many characters, all of whom were awful.  Rather than pick a central character and follow them the lack of action just seems to flip between the endless list of crap characters.  Pointless crap!

Synopsis:  When a meeting between a Cuba gangster and a Greek gangster is interupted by a female assassin it starts a war between the two rival gangs.  Both are after the girl, but what is she after?

Film 133/365, Day 144/365 – Dinocroc vs. Supergator

Ok, I have really got to stop it.  No more late films on SyFy with ‘vs.’ in the title.  This isn’t the worst one however, that honour still falls to Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.  But it also isn’t very good, acting is acceptable on the most parts, story is predictable and the actual part where we finally see the point of the title is over in thirty seconds and was a massive anticlimax.

Synopsis: On a remote island a secret laboratory has been experimenting with genetics and developed some over sized vegetables and mushrooms.  The wealthy benefactor has decided that the experimentation should now move to crocodiles and alligators due to there resistance to disease.  Unsurprisingly the two creatures escape and then run around the island eating a whole host of stupid and annoying people.

Film 125/365, Day 135/365 – The Spy Who Loved Me

The best spoof of Austin Powers in ages!  Now before I get corrected, I am well aware that Austin Powers is a spoof of James Bond and not the other way around.  That said however watching this was utterly cringe worthy.  If it wasn’t a Bond film then it wouldn’t be shown on TV anymore.  I found myself laughing all the way through, if not for the special effects then at what they obviously once thought was a suave and cool way to behave.  It might as well be a Carry On film!

Synopsis:  After a British and Russian nuclear submarine inexplicable disappear, James Bond has to team up with Russian Agent XXX to recover them before their weaponry can be used to start World War 3.

Film 114/365, Day 123/365 – The Objective

An utter waste of time.  The director of my least favourite film of all time, the Blair Witch Project, strikes again, once more giving us very little substance to a story and offering even less in the way of a conclusion.  Clearly he thinks it’s clever to just not have an ending.  My advice to you, Daniel Myrick, stick to advertising.  Rubbish!

Synopsis:  A team is dispatched into Afghanistan to investigate an unusual heat signature, most commonly associated with nuclear weapons.  Soon it becomes apparent that things are not quite as they first seemed.

Film 107/365, Day 119/365 – Apocalypse of the Dead

Woeful acting, cliched script and barely entertaining, which is a shame because I do love a good zombie film.  This however was not a good zombie film, first thing wrong was the howling and roaring zombies but that’s just a personal preference.  The acting throughout was awful which wasn’t helped at all by the script or direction.  On the plus side it’s not the royal wedding!

Synopsis:  Whilst transporting a prisoner from Percova, Serbia, a group of Interpol agents are caught in the middle of a deadly outbreak.  A strange virus that kills it’s host and then reanimates their body in order to spread the virus further.  Soon they find themselves barricaded inside a police station just trying to survive with no idea of what they are up against.  The prisoner however seems to know a lot more than anyone else.

Film 53/365, Day 59/365 – Tokyo Gore Police

The Japanese police force has been privatised in an attempt to rid Japan of its ever increasing crime rates. The source of the crime wave is the mysterious Engineers, who once injured magically grow a deadly weapon. Enter Engineer hunter Ruka the greatest Engineer hunter ever. Things however are about to take a dramatic twist!

First off let me point out that about 99% of people will not like this movie, myself included, the other 1% of you out there, and you know who you are, should keep it to yourself. I love Japanese films and animation, but this was just so weak and over the top that the entire premise of the film is revealed in the title. Only watch if you have seen absolutely everything else!

Film 25/365, Day 27/365 – Alphaville

Alphaville is a city on a planet in a distant galaxy run by a super computer, Alpha 60. The city is run and controlled completely by logic, emotion and feelings are outlawed. Lemmy Caution, an American private-eye has been sent there to locate a colleague and either bring back or execute the man behind Alpha 60.

First thing I should point out about Alphaville is that it is very old, 1965 to be exact. The story is overly complicated and if I’m honest fairly poorly layed out. The use of overly dramatic music at places where it shouldn’t be used is a constant annoyance throughout. Basically Alphaville was boring and did very little to keep me interested, also I found it very hard to care about any of the characters.